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It’s been just over 8 months since I became a new mama. Over this time I’ve been randomly reflecting on the qualities that it takes to be a good parent. It’s such a big time of change and it definitely causes you to stop and evaluate how you show up in the world and cope with things!
Resilience
Even before I became pregnant resilience was something I aspired to – particularly emotional resilience. I remember talking to my older sister about the benefits of this quality many moons ago and our conversation struck a chord with me. Several years later it’s high on my list of priorities (not of things ‘to-do’ but of things to-be.)
To me, resilience means inner strength, braving your fears, being there for the long haul, and picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and trying again.
As a parent this might mean getting up to a hungry / tired / unwell baby to soothe them and care for them multiple times in one night.
It could mean cooking dinner for a bub or toddler even when you are beyond tired and just feeling like lying about in your tracksuit pants!
It could be going out into the world, even when you don’t feel like it (hey I didn’t say you had to shower too – baby steps!)
It can also be emotional resilience. Understanding that you might be feeling sad / lonely / tired / unhappy in one moment… but these things are all transient and it will pass if you can just hang in there.
This single attribute can help you to draw from your own well of inner strength – (even when you think it’s empty) – sure enough there is always at least one more drop of resilience to spare.
However a note of caution – the flipside of resilience cam be mummy martyrdom (that sense of being super-mum and believing you can consistently ‘do it all’ – which we will talk about another time).
I will also mention that if you are struggling severely with low mood or really having a bad week / month – then please do reach out for support from a friend, family member or counsellor. You don’t have to face it alone.
Flexibility
I’m not talking about physical flexibility and doing yoga poses here – I’m talking about the ability to go where the winds take you and allowing room in your schedule for things to change.
Because if there is one thing you can bet on as a parent things can and will change at lightning speed.
I’ve come to realise that most days I am running on ‘baby-time’ which means delays and lots of plan B’s (or C’s!)
I’ve discovered it’s often a much more successful and enjoyable outing for bub and I if I leave home 20 minutes early to allow for those little hiccups along the road – things like his last minute poopy nappies or unexpected breastfeeding stops – you get the idea!
Flexibility also involves clear communication with your partner and extended family.
On any given day you may have negotiated that next-up on the family schedule is baby’s bath time, or a walk to the park, or cooking dinner…. but if things suddenly change, you have to all be willing to go with the flow and not be too regimented or set in your ways.
Of course ‘routine’ or ‘rituals’ as we like to call them are important – but so is sanity!
Use your intuition and ask yourself – what do I need right now? What does my baby need?
Listen to the answers and you will be able to take the best care of your precious little person and your self during the day.
Gentleness
While I’ve listed this quality last, it’s actually most important! Particularly on the days when the values above (resilience and flexibility) aren’t working out so well for you.
A beautiful friend gave me some wise advice early on. I remember being about 6 weeks into the ‘fourth trimester’ and receiving a text from this friend after a particularly intense few days… ‘go gently’ it said.
These words really stayed with me and I was so grateful for her support and love when I needed it most.
My kind friend was talking about being gentle with yourself, gentle with your partner, and of course – being gentle with your bub.
One thing that is certain as a parent is that you will be tested. Some days you might be struck by mummy-guilt and be overly critical of yourself for various reasons.
Other days you might feely harshly criticised or judged by others. There are so many opinions out there about parenting and collectively they can add up to a whole lot of noise.
Just remember that you get to choose what information you absorb – you don’t need to take it all on board. It’s okay to just smile and nod sometimes! Or at other times gently but firmly stand up for what you believe in (choose your battles wisely I say!)
So take a deep breath and be kind to yourself. After all – you are doing the best job you know how to in this moment, with the knowledge and skills that you have. The love you have (and show) to your bub, your self and your loved ones is what really counts in the end.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this too – what qualities have you cultivated to help you on your parenting journey? There are no right or wrong answers here. Share below!
Elizabeth Santos is a holistic physiotherapist and naturopath who home-birthed baby number one in 2015. She lives in the Adelaide foothills with her husband, their little boy and fluffy white dog!
Elizabeth is now offering Earth Mama Sessions – 1:1 Skype consultations for women who are pregnant and hoping to have the most natural birthing experience they possibly can.
Book a free introductory 30 minute session here and feel genuinely supported on your unique and sacred journey into mamahood. Discover how to conquer your fears and make informed choices so that you feel empowered at every step. elizabethsantos.com.au/earth-mama-sessions
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