by Christmas and New Year are beautiful times for love, laughter, celebrating the birth of Christ (if you’re into that) and enjoying some hard earned rest and relaxation.
But how many times have you found yourself strung out at Christmas? Or angry and hurt about something? Before you know it, you’re arguing with Uncle Sam, or having a meltdown over the turkey (which you’ve burnt for the 3rd year in a row!)
What if you’ve got the added pressure of financial stress, or no loved ones to spend Christmas with at all?
Christmas can be a time of great joy, but also great sadness.
One of the best ways we can help ourselves and others to feel healed at this time of year, is to focus on relationship.
This year I’ve made a special effort to focus on the relationships in my life. Maybe it had something to do with being given these as a Christmas gift (from my awesome husband who knows me so well!)
…maybe it came about because I realised that the relationships in my life are what makes my life. It’s not the job, the house, the puppy, any of those material transient things. It’s the love, it’s sharing fun times, being silly, playing with the little ones and big warm hugs with friends and family.
Not only are my nearest and dearest very important to me, relationship extends out to everyone I meet or cross paths with in my day. From the stranger at the bus stop, to the green grocer. We are all connected…. if we make a conscious choice to connect.
When our relationships are harmonious, we feel good, happy, energised! It makes us feel like part of something bigger than ourselves, part of a community, which is just so good for our wellbeing.
3 Tips for Healing Relationships
I’ve come up with a few suggestions for improving relationships, things that I have put into practice over the years with great success. Strategies that have helped me to foster some beautiful friendships and family ties.
My relationships are all works in progress, and I am grateful for them all! Thank you to anyone and everyone reading this, it is a pleasure to connect with you…
1. Be Present
Listening is such a special gift to give another human being. At times, it can be tempting to talk over others, or share ‘your story’, but when you allow someone to have the floor, they will leave your company feeling like they have really been heard. Validating another person’s experience is one of the most powerful things we can do for others. Just allowing them to be where they are – happy or sad, is a beautiful thing. There is no need to give advice unless it is specifically asked for. No need to try to change or fix their situation. Just let it be.
When you are listening and properly engaged (and not thinking about the turkey you burnt!) it is also easier to speak from your heart. I find connecting with my breath while talking to others a very effective and almost meditative way to be more present.
2. Deal with it Immediately
When a fight with family or friends does occur, clearing the air before the argument can fester is a great strategy to shift the conflict faster. If something has been said in anger, it may be wise to allow a little space or time for things to cool off, but don’t let too much time pass.
The saying ‘don’t let the sun set on an argument’ is an excellent motto, as hurt or anger can be intensified in a person’s mind if no resolution is sought.
This involves good communication and also clear insight into what your issue is. If you can identify straight away that something has triggered you, and perhaps also why – this is easy to explain to another person. If someone can see where you are coming from and why that particular thing erks you, it opens a window into your soul and is a way of connecting more deeply with others. Not everyone is open to this sort of technique, so you may have to sound it out first!
Apologising is very useful if you have behaved in a way that was negative. Just be sure you don’t follow up your apology with a justification. I’m sorry but you shouldn’t have blah blah blah is not a good apology, and may serve to further fuel anger.
3. Forgiveness is a Process – and that’s Ok.
Sometimes we talk about forgiveness as though it’s a one-off thing. Forgive and forget. In actual reality forgiveness is a long process.
Whether we are forgiving another person, or forgiving ourselves for past actions big or small, it takes a lot of work and understanding of the inner critic or shadow self.
If someone has ‘wronged us’ or we feel their actions have had a negative impact on our lives we have the choice to forgive them, or to carry around the pain and hatred. If it’s a big hurt, such as abuse or physical assault, this process may take our whole lives. There are always layers to pain, and you may feel like you’ve worked through it, only to find yourself triggered again by the person, or memories of the event.
Fortunately, there are many positive, healing ways to process pain and negative memories.
Journalling is an excellent way to connect with your emotions and discover any negative or inner critic thoughts you’re still having about yourself, or about another person.
Visualising ‘cutting the cords or ties’ is also a great way to disconnect from other people’s emotions, fears or energy that might be dragging you down without you even realising it. Clearing your energy can be done in many ways, see this fabulous article from ascended relationships for tips for cutting the cords.
Sending love to another person that you are struggling with is a Buddhist technique which can be very useful. Sit quietly, close your eyes and breathe gently. Imagine this person you wish to forgive as a small child, innocent, alone, starting out in the world. When we can visualise the inner child of the person, with their fears, insecurities, hopes and dreams about life, it can be easier to connect with feelings of compassion. Visualise pink light (heart energy) travelling to the other person. Sit there with it until your anger begins to dissolve. This may take several sessions over a period of time before you begin to feel a shift in your emotions.
Remember that just because you have made the choice to forgive another, doesn’t mean you need to have physical contact with them, or have them in your life. You get to choose.
When it comes to forgiving yourself, get clear on what you need to release, or forgive yourself for. Some people carry around a huge amount of ‘shoulds and shouldn’ts each day. Release yourself from the need to be perfect. Accept your humaneness. Love yourself for the person you were, and the person you are now, flaws and all! Use the above techniques to help yourself heal. Let it go.
Good luck with the relationships in your lives… xx
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